Abolishing Bitterness

-Pastor Melissa Fain-

When I was about 10 years old, my dad took my sister and I to a Renfest. It wasn't a big one.  It wasn't the production value of the Atlanta Renfest.

We did want to dress up. Dad took XXL shirts, and died them a dirty brown. He also bought rope from the local hardware store. The shirt fit like a dress and with the rope, it made us look like peasants. I can't tell you how much I loved that outfit. I'd look at those girls in the fancy dresses and I'd be proud. My dad made my costume!

Anyway, at one of these Renfests there was a competition for the kids. Who stole the king's cake? There were a set of clues to find the culprit. My sister and I scoured the land, asking the blacksmith, the nobles, and even random people. Meanwhile, the Jester taunted us. He'd come by and tell us we couldn't find the person who stole the cake. He did that to all the kids.

Wouldn't you know it, the culprit was the Jester the whole time? As I watched another kid taking the Jester in, I wanted in. All the kids wanted in. We all followed the real winner trying to get something for not getting it. At the end of the day, the kid got the cake, and we all got a piece.

I was jealous. I wanted to win. I didn't win. Even though I got a piece of the winnings, I wanted the whole thing. I'm sure many of you can relate. My grace today is because of my lack of it as a child. 

Maybe today it's not a cake. Maybe it's a job. Maybe it's a skill set. Perhaps it's simply someone being praised for something you are doing too.  It's easy to get bitter. You're not really mad at the person, but at the situation in general. Sound familiar? It's because I've been there. Today I can check myself when I feel those frustrations rising. There are tools I use to help me. 

Tools to destroy bitterness

• What am I doing this for? This is a really great question that might have an answer you are not ready to hear.  Often times when we are bitter over being passed over,  it's because we're doing something for ourselves. In an altruistic world we want to believe we are doing the "thing" for the least of these, or the kids, or your mom, or [insert specific group here.] In reality, most of us are doing things for ourselves.  If this is the case you have about two options. You can refocus your actions. Reward comes from the fruit of the work, not from praise from outside that work. You can also find something that both raises you and is for you. Maybe that's leaving the situation all together. Maybe that's finding something outside the situation that fits what you want to do. Here's the bottom line: It's unhealthy to want something from someone who has no intention of giving that something. Change what you want, or find something else.
• Celebrate: This is a learned skill. When I first decided to redirect my bitterness I had to go to a private space, all my own, let that bitterness out, and come back. When I would come back to the situation I would then share the celebration with the person who earned whatever it was they earned. Years later, it feels so good to act from joy. It's a joy that spills over into other places. I've also discovered something about celebration. I discovered my bitterness was really over the system not the person receiving accolades from the system. I've also discovered systems want you to be mad at the person, because then the system doesn't change. Celebrating the person allows you to maintain focus on the real problems that cause those bitter feelings. Celebration, most importantly, keeps your enemy lists down.  This goes back to changing the system. If we are all against one another, what can we accomplish? Nothing. We are like ants. Apart we can be crushed, together, we are powerful.
• Lament: It's okay to mourn. I feel that needs to be said more in this culture of immediacy. Potential loss, is still loss. Let me give you an example. You buy a lottery ticket. Now, statistically you have a better shot of getting struck my lightening than winning that lottery. Still, in buying the ticket you bought a potential reality. What would happen if you actually won. Actually, in just mentioning the potential win, I have given you that potential future for a brief moment. When your ticket loses, and almost assuredly it will, that potential is now gone. Now maybe your potential was in an award, or a raise. Potential exists and can be lost. A much more real potential loss is when a child dies. Part of the deep sadness is in the loss of that child's potential; his or her future. Lament is a necessary step in moving on. As silly as that lament might appear to be, it helps us put aside what cannot be, to seek out a new potential.
• Redirect: This is really what all this boils down to. Find the problem and fix the problem. We tend to stew in our discontent. Why?
  ​I get thanked all the time for speaking up, or acting in a situation. It used to shock me. I couldn't understand why no one else was doing the same. Then I realized they were stuck in the above situations. They picked the wrong bad guy, they couldn't celebrate what deserved celebration, or they couldn't get through lamentations. I can't live in the past. Partly because my past sucks. I'd much rather make the world a better place than get stuck in bitterness or a past that's long gone. Wouldn't you?