If your brother or sister sins against you...

9/3/2020

-Pastor Melissa Fain-

Eight years ago, I tried to wrap my head around church abuse. Not only had I been witness to it on multiple occasions, people were beginning to come to me with stories. They were stories different from my own, but contained the same vulgar grains. All but one attempted to cover over or cover up the indiscretion. All were attempting to gain or keep power. I remember pulling out Matthew 18:15-20, and seeing it for the first time for the victim.

15 “If your brother or sister sins against you, go and correct them when you are alone together. If they listen to you, then you’ve won over your brother or sister. 16 But if they won’t listen, take with you one or two others so that every word may be established by the mouth of two or three witnesses. 17 But if they still won’t pay attention, report it to the church. If they won’t pay attention even to the church, treat them as you would a Gentile and tax collector. 18 I assure you that whatever you fasten on earth will be fastened in heaven. And whatever you loosen on earth will be loosened in heaven. 19 Again I assure you that if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, then my Father who is in heaven will do it for you. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, I’m there with them.”
Matthew 18:15-20 CEB

I needed the church to engage the guilty in this very way. Talk to them privately. If that didn't work, have two or three talk with them. If that didn't work, make it a whole church matter. I felt like church abuse, in all it's forms involved augmenting, hiding, and destroying. God's light needed to get in there and exact some good change.

Then...

Well, let's just say any scripture can be used in multiple ways. When it comes to broken churches, they break scripture.

In a broken church, abusers will use this scripture to attack the abused.

When a tool is turned into a weapon

There are a few ways broken churches break this scripture:

They put the work on the person/people abused: Church abuse ranges from verbal, to emotional, to sexual. None of it is appropriate. Could you imagine a victim of sexual abuse going to a church leader to finally find justice, and having the leader tell the victim to first take it up with his or her abuser first? This scripture is about petty arguments, not something that completely breaks the person or church. That's like asking an electrician to cook for a room of people with a Target home kitchen set. You're asking too much of someone you shouldn't even be putting in that kind of responsibility. For the above scripture to remain true, the church should give the victim an advocate to carry out the steps on his or her behalf. But...
The abuser often turns the steps on the abused: Abusers come in many forms, and often they are people we love. When someone we love is accused, it becomes super easy to be manipulated by the steps put in place to solve the the conflict. We don't want to see our loved ones get in trouble. We want to protect them, and that is just what abusers want. They want you so unsettled by the cognitive dissonance of the moment, you turn on the person who came seeking help. "It's not my friend/loved one/patriarch. The accuser must be a liar." It's heartbreaking for real abuse to be labelled as "false," and an entire congregation move on like no one cares. The most terrifying words I've heard from a congregant were said without any sarcasm or compassion: "Oh, it happened again." Turning the steps on the abused is a common occurrence, but if that is not possible...
The church turns the scripture following today's scripture on the victim: When it's clear the abuser is really an abuser, the church does something that should make our skin crawl. They take Peter's dialogue with Jesus following today's scripture and force the victim into it. Let me share a piece of it:

"Then Peter said to Jesus, “Lord, how many times should I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Should I forgive as many as seven times?” Jesus said, “Not just seven times, but rather as many as seventy-seven times."" Matt 18:21-22 CEB

Law breaking sins, that never find the justice they deserve happened and are happening in the Church. Not only is that true, but often times churches will tell the abused to forgive his or her abuser so they can say the problem is solved and can move on. This forces all change on the victim, who shouldn't be put in that kind of situation.

No one wins.
* The person who needs change has no reason to not abuse again when the church is in their back pocket.
* The abused has no where to go, now that their support system has turned against them, as churches are often angry when the victim admits they (rightfully) can't just forgive their abuse. (especially when nothing is done about it.)
* It break the church or breaks it further. Not dealing with the event the right way the first time, means it will become even more difficult to fix later.
* The scripture, which is a Holy Balm, is turned into a dangerous bomb. You can't help people who have been hurt by it, because they know how people have used it against them in the past.

You cannot convince me this is what God wants. This is not love.