I'm not gone

-Pastor Melissa Fain-

I cannot say this loud enough, so here I go saying it again for the dullards in the back:

I want to preach with more than the traditional means to do so.  I want to preach through narrative, and paint. I want to rethink worship from the ground up. 

About a month ago I went to God in prayer and just cried. I don't want to give it up. 

That might sound silly. Like, who's asking me to give something up? More than you think. 
You know how it feels when I get families who tell me, "I'm looking for [insert traditional mode of worship here]"? I know why they're saying it. I can't give them what they crave, and they're explaining why they have chosen not to take all this seriously. 

That's a very alluring drug. 

If I just do what everyone else is doing, then I'll have they physical help.
I'm already saying things most local pastors are not saying, and it makes sense. If I just put the other stuff up and away, then I'll finally be accepted as an actual minister.

At the very same time, going into the workforce as something other than a minister has it's allure too. This summer Fig Tree will have existed for a decade. That's a long time to do any form of internet ministry and not throw one's hands up in the air in defeat.  It's not wrong for me to want stability.  

I cried because I realized what I was already doing.

The above picture was me on Easter Sunday.  Let me tell you about this picture.

• The drawing-  I sat down and did that right before worship.  The stone is filled with images of nature. The idea is that Christ defeated death, and by it's very act nature itself. The star has become a symbol for God's promise, and the promise is revealed in the rolling away of the stone. That drawing, all by itself preaches.
• The rock- I made the finger labyrinth back in 2020, as I was exploring worship in new ways. It fits how I feel about Fig Tree as a whole. I have never turned away from the call, but there are times where it feels like I'm walking away. It's a reminder that the journey doesn't happen in a straight line.
• The Stole- I spent 8 months, an hour or two every night, hand knotting that stole. It was a daily act of prayer. That one piece, if I just sold it for minimum wage, would be worth thousands. It was created to be a piece of Fig Tree. I've worn it for brick and mortar churches, and it felt wrong. I wear it for Fig Tree, and know it belongs.  Like so many items I create, it contains a piece of my soul. 

These above pieces are an act of worship.
It's all an act of worship.
Writing is an act of worship. 
Creating music (which I've also done) is an act of worship.
My art is an act of worship.

When I think to all the times people tried to shoehorn me into their definition of what they thought I was, well, it brought me to tears.  Because I can see it now.  I have an extremely close and incredibly diverse relationship with God. To sever any of those connections would be heartbreaking. I can't give it up.

Where it's led me

I used to live to make sure I got a post out a week. I'm incredibly self motivated, and it was blasphemy if I couldn't get to the computer and consider something from a Spiritual/Biblical way.

I'm still self motivated, but where I'm feeling motivated is different. 

These past two weeks, I felt a deep desire to give a book I've written one more epic edit. The whole time, feeling like the time was running short to get that done. 

There are days when I have an image in my brain and I just have to create it. I'm feeling like something huge is coming for me, and if I don't get things in order, I'll regret it later.

It's the same feeling I had a Christmas, when I knew I needed to recreate ornaments for the tree.  It was a completion of sorts, and I've made peace with it.

Just the realization that I need to get it done before it's too late.  What is it too late for? I have no earthly idea. I just feel I'm running out of time, and I need to wrap some things up.  It's an urgency that takes me away from the meditations.

My drive has not diminished, it's just focused a bit differently.  I'm still here. I can't give it up. Don't make me give it up.