Things I wished I could tell myself 7 years ago

-Rev Melissa Fain-

Almost seven years ago I discovered what it felt like to be on the wrong side of a broken church. Not to say there is a right side. There is a side that breaks you to pieces emotionally and spiritually, and there is a side where everything is pretty much invisible. There is the side that has been personally hurt by the problem, and the side that knows there is a problem, but doesn't realize they are part of it. Up until seven years ago I was on the side of ignorance, blissfully unaware of how damaging the Christian System had already been to countless individuals. Or, if there was a problem, I didn't consider my role in it's infliction. 

I can't speak to myself seven years ago. That person has grown up and learned some hard lessons. I can speak to those who were recently tossed into this wilderness, having been a victim of church brokenness. Here are some things people personally told me, and I wished people had told me back when this all began:

1. You are not alone. Right after everything went down, two separate ministers at two separate occasions pulled me aside just to tell me their personal story. They wanted me to know I had someone who understood. This was a two sided coin for me. On one side it's comforting to know there is a community out there who understands what you've been through. On the other side, there's a community out there, a people. This isn't some one shot event of a single broken church. This is a broken system, which speaks of systemic issues. In your newness- find those who have worked through their victim-hood into becoming a survivor. They will help you.
2. Those who will tell you to "get over it," are often not the ones who have been through it. Your emotional and spiritual brokenness makes others uncomfortable. If you had broken a bone, or had kidney stones, they would know what to do, or suggest. We were raised to spot physical trauma and react to it appropriately, (for the most part.) We were also raised to pretend that emotional and spiritual well being is non-existent, which makes us even worse at dealing with emotional and spiritual brokenness. Easier said than done, but when you hear someone use phrases like, "get over it," note in your mind that they are not spiritual and emotional care takers and move on. You can also calmly let them know that you are grateful they want to assist, but their words were not helpful. Most people want to be helpful, and letting someone know what they did was not helpful, will help them not make the same mistake in the future.
   
3. The church wants to forget you. This is the most honest statement I can give today. There are/were Regional Ministers coaching churches on how to recover from brokenness. Nine times out of ten, it did not involve reconciliation with those the church broke. It involved sweeping the dirt under the rug, and moving on. There may be congregants who care about you, but the church doesn't. Let it go. Guess what? Jesus lived in a time where the temple didn't care about the broken people. Instead of trying to change the system inside, he just did what was right. We are not called to save an institution, we are called to make Disciples of all nations. Do not look back at Sodom, because it will only make you salty.
4. God did not break you, people did. Free will's a bitch. What God wants and what actually happens are not always the same thing.  People want to believe, when they see someone hurting, that it was either okay they did nothing, or next to nothing. When someone tells you, "It's all in God's plan," that's a person saying that, not God. More importantly, that's a person who is uncomfortable with your pain, and they say that to dismiss that discomfort. See it for what it is. There are times that God tests us, and pushes us, but people break us. Know the difference.
5. God's always there. God was there during the Passover. God was there in the Lion's Den. God was there as Christians were pulled apart in coliseums. I know there is a part that wishes God wasn't there in the moment you were broken, but God was there too, weeping. This is why the scripture, "Jesus wept" is so important to our scriptural canon. While the church has quietly moved on, trying to forget you, God never forgets, and always forgives. 
   

Let us pray:  Oh Holy Parent: Your people are broken. We yearn for healing from a cruel world. A world where thousands are killed in a single night. A world where the wounded are often left on the side of the road without a Samaritan in sight. As we've become the fractured landscape, teach us to heal ourselves and those around us. Perhaps that is just with a simple prayer at first. Perhaps, we simply find a broken remnant of ourselves and begin there. We hope for a redeemed Kingdom. Your Kingdom.
All this we pray in your Son's most holy name, Amen.