To all those who are ghosted by the church

-Rev Melissa Fain-

Today marks the conclusion to part one. I’m going to sum up everything leading up to this and include the links as I go:

• We learned Jesus embraced death. There is no Zombie Jesus because zombies came about from a fear of accepting death. This fear could center on the American psyche’s fear of death after WWII, but whether or not that’s the culprit, our Churches have that fear written in their DNA.
  
• Zombie Churches rise when some form of death is eminent. Instead of following Christ into that death, they turn back and attempt to live in an undeath. Zombie churches act from things that no longer exist, and often are clueless when they deeply wound someone, and ghost them in the process. (They don’t react to your pain, because they are incapable of seeing it.)
  
• Zombie churches especially, but churches in general, protect their theologies and un-deaths by canceling individuals and groups. Many times this is to avoid healthy conflict when it puts negative conflict in its place. Also, the language of Church canceling takes the form of the scapegoat.
  

Why I’m always doomed to failure

I wish I could translate my inflections into my words. I wish you could read my persistence, and know my desire. I know it’s a struggle to break past the antiseptic words to see the messy truth. I’m not setting up some “What-if” scenario. I’m in this terrible space. I could write academically; use the correct verbage, and somewhat hit those in their ivory towers. It wouldn’t change anything. To be accepted by the echelons of higher learning. I’m already using words that are too dense for the average reader, and I feel dirty even wearing them. 

I could also write down to earth, and keep it real. I could throw around, “Girl!” and play the audience. Then I must dumb it down to the point of stupidity. A feel good blog is satiation only. In other words, it’s not meant to change you really. It’s only meant to make you feel good about the choices you’ve already made.

Which leaves me here. I have this desperate yearning to get the truth out in a world where no one wants to hear the truth. On one hand I will not write in a language others would have to translate to get to the masses just to be considered valid to those with higher education degrees. That’s the modern day Vulgate. There’s a disconnect between the knowledge and the church because the average person can’t read these dense tomes. On the other hand, if I’m not as empty and sweet as cotton candy, I’d better pack it up and go home. I can’t say things that require more than one reading; things that require meditation. I should pander to a side, get my views up, and get published for only saying things my readers want to hear. 

​My husband asked me, why am I still doing this? Because I see it, and in just seeing it one is forced to make the choice to ignore or act. Every time I encounter a broken individual I’m encountering Jesus, and I’m being asked to accept Christ into my life. Ignorance is my damnation. 

Ghosting: Nothing has happened but everything is happening

Many who find themselves canceled by the church, ultimately also find themselves ghosted. First, what is ghosting?

Ghosting is a newish term with an old action. It is a way to avoid confrontation. Instead of one party engaging conflict in a healthy way, they completely cut off and ignore. No action, positive or negative is taken. 

It leaves the person who was ghosted with nothing. They are left wondering why everything happened, and they don’t even get a proper closure to move on. The one(s) who did the ghosting are just fine. They avoided their healthy conflict to give negative conflict to the one(s) being ghosted. That’s why ghosting, the act of doing absolutely nothing, is actually everything.

Reasons the church ghosts

You almost always cannot change a system until you understand why something is happening. Anyone who can is suffering by unbelievable dumb luck.  There are multiple reasons churches ghost. None of them are healthy, but we must understand them to be able to change their perspective.

1. All conflict has been labeled bad: It is super frustrating to engage a church that has a fear of conflict. It’s like trying to get a duck wet. Indirectly, the engagement just beads right off and is sidetracked. Directly, the engagement is met with open hostility. These churches ghost individuals because they have equated good and bad to emotions. Feeling good is good, and feeling bad is bad. The obvious problem is conflict. Whether it’s healthy or unhealthy, all conflict feels bad. In these churches, they ghost to avoid healthy conflict, because they don’t want the person to feel bad. They don’t feel bad ghosting the individual(s) so, in their minds, they believe the one(s) ghosted must not feel as bad either. The reason these churches are openly hostile to being told their actions have hurt others is because in speaking truth healthy conflict is engaged, and it hurts. Hurt, in their minds, is bad. It must be attacked. This idea that all pain is bad must be dismantled first before these churches can engage their ghosts.
2. The Scapegoat: This is why I had to write on canceling before I could write on ghosting. In their minds, these churches must ghost those who they’ve canceled because otherwise they’d have to admit they fed their problem to evil instead of sacrificing it to God. No one, except Job, wants to stand before God and face judgement. There’s a reason God tells Job to “gird up his loins,” a phrase that means “get ready, stuff’s about to get real.” Being ghosted after being scapegoated isn’t about those who were scapegoated. True, those who were scapegoated are the ones who feel the pain of being ghosted, but the ghosting is about avoiding God, not the scapegoat. They must engage God first before they can engage the ghosts.
3. All part of God’s plan: I watched this amazing Vlog on ghosting by the Sci Channel. It looked at those who believe in destiny to those who didn’t. It found those who believed in destiny were far more likely to ghost than those who didn’t. Basically, those who believed in destiny were more likely to believe they were always meant to ghost those who had been ghosted. This is where theology becomes toxic. It’s that tug-o-war between predestination and freewill, and the ultimate danger falling too far into the predestination side of things. (i.e. Everything happens for a reason.) To dismantle those who have a destiny mindset one needs to help them see what God is supposedly destined the church to be: the villains. No one really wants to be the villains, and God always offers a choice out of it. 
4. Comfort is killing us: I’m going to throw out this radical idea, and before you poo poo it and move on, hear me out. Ready? The modern church is Pharaoh. I know, not the scandalous statement you were prepping to hear. Or is it? There comes a point when something tips. Someone has it all, and some others have nothing. In the time of Moses, the Egyptian rulers were the ones with everything, and it was the Israelites who had nothing. Pharaoh had to “let God’s people go” because the system was beyond repair. Pharaoh couldn’t understand that loss because Pharaoh was comfortable. Flash forward, the Israelites settle down in a new land. There have been splits and kings, and once again, someone has it all, and some others have nothing. The Israelite monarchy had taken Pharaoh’s place. The Monarchy couldn’t understand that pain, because the monarchy was comfortable. The Israelites had to be taken out of their land because the system was beyond repair. Flash forward again, the Temple was rebuilt, and the Priests had it all, and so many had nothing. Yet this is different. Instead of physical power it’s spiritual power. The Priests were the few connecting to God in God’s house. Most were on the outside, so most were without connection. The Priests were not able to see the need, because the Priests were too comfortable. Flash forward to today. Many within the Church think they are on the right track because they have a personal relationship with God. They have their connection. Only in a world of growing spiritual ghosts, there are so many who don’t have that connection. The few are in the church, while the masses have nothing. The church cannot see it, because the church is comfortable. Kinda radical now, isn’t it?

To all the ghosts out there

I’m sorry.
More than likely if you’re reading this, I didn’t personally cause your woundedness. I wasn’t the one who withheld their vote, or refused to speak up. I wasn’t the one who back stabbed you, and I’m not the person who ghosted you. But I’m part of the problem. I’m a minister within this broken tradition. My hands are covered in your blood, and I refuse to wash it off. I want everyone to see it.
I’m sorry you were wounded by a system that was supposed to protect you.
I’m sorry you were spiritually killed in the process. They won’t say it, but I will.
​I’m sorry.

Either they are a zombie church or their comfort is fattening them up for their eventual slaughter. Do not wish to be them. It is better to be spiritually dead. God can work with death. God can take our dry bones and make something new. We have become like new canvas’, ready for God’s masterpiece. When death has been reached, hope can be reborn.

I pulled some articles that might be helpful about ghosting:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201511/is-why-ghosting-hurts-so-much
https://www.healthline.com/health/ghosting#why-people-ghost

Also, Brueggemann's Prophetic Imagination- always.